not my place to say.

I have been in a funk now for twenty four hours.  Some of it is because I thought I had a for-sure client, and it did not work out…  I have been busy with a lot of invites already, so I am not concerned, just really disappointed.  Most of my emotion though comes from feeling emotionally tanked.

On the one hand I have a dear friend in a tough situation right now.  Their life is HARD and they are struggling through, and trying really, really hard to fight the good fight.  It is encouraging, and yet exhausting; and it is not even my battle…  I wish sometimes that I had better answers….

On the other hand… Drama.  The kind that really, really should not happen.  The kind where friends say hurtful things ABOUT one another, instead of honest things TO one another.  And then live in the mire of self-destruction.  I find the whole thing painful to watch, because those involved are Christians.  Interestingly, I have been following Piper on Twitter.  And the last two days, his focus has been all about taking the log out of our own eye.  Perhaps, perhaps by even commenting on the situation I have not looked at my own life enough…  But I feel crushed.  I see friends who can not see beyond what they dislike in one another.  Accusations, and resentment.  Spiteful words.  And over what, really?  There are so very many big things in the world, and the world is whittled down to someone’s feelings being hurt.

What if every time we offended God, He said “I’m done.  I can’t do this relationship any more.  You have offended Me, and I have no desire to be with you.”  He has every right.  He is the only one in the universe who has any right to feel that way.  And we TRAMPLE His grace, when instead of receiving His mercy and extending it to those who offend us in minor ways, we allow bitterness to seep in to our souls.  We have no concept of how we are hardening our own hearts towards His forgiveness, when we do not forgive others.  Think of Christ’s parable – the man who was forgiven much, could not forgive someone else.  The parable uses monetary amounts to represent millions of dollars (what we owe God) compared to thousands of dollars owed to us.  Not to say that what is against us is insignificant, but that it pales in comparision to what our debt to Him is.  We will never see the debt against us as small, until we can reflect on it in light of the magnificence of our sin against Him.  Until the weight of my idolatry, and idleness, and crassness and pride and hatred and materialism are measured against His holiness, I can not, and you can not, see the sins commited against us as being anything but large.  But we have no right.

We have no right, to hold against our fellow believer a sin He has already forgiven.  We have no right to consider ourselves better than others.  We have no right to let bitterness and anger rob us of the forgiveness we have received and ought to pass on.

Today has been difficult.  I feel like I already said more than what people were open to hear.  I fear my opinions have been mistaken as judgment…  But they come from my own brokeness, and my own depraved heart – that knows I have held ridiculous things against others for long stretches of time.  I have let really, really stupid things bug me too… and it’s sad.  It makes me want to weep.  It makes me weep.  Will it be worth a friendship?  A sister in the Lord?  And are my own feelings towards those I resent not sin as well?  We feed the cycle….

I hope, I pray, that those who can not let go can see the pain against them as a drop in the ocean compared to the weight of what Christ forgives us for daily.  He has the right to be angry, and He chose forgiveness instead.  We have no such rights – not because we have not been hurt, but because what was done to us is nothing like what we have done to Him.  The more aware we are of how much we are forgiven of, the more able we are to love.  He who is forgiven much, loves much….

 

They Deserved What??

My daughter was using one of those electronic reader books yesterday – where you follow along, and someone else besides Mommy reads each page…  I was listening while making invitations, and had to ask her to turn the page back, because I thought I had heard wrong.  Nope.

Her story book on Jonah ends with “Yes, the Ninevites had been wicked.  But they were God’s children, and they deserved to be forgiven.  Jonah understood God’s lesson.  He spent the rest of his days doing God’s work with faith and love.”

My Bible story of Jonah ends with him angry enough about the whole thing that he tells the Lord he wishes he would die.  We don’t know if Jonah truly repents of his arrogance and judgement, or if he dies angry with God.  That’s just a feel-good addition to the Bible.

Worse though, I think, than supposing Jonah ever got it right, is to tell little children that the Ninevites DESERVED to be forgiven.  Fundamentally, this mentality is where so much of Christianity is going astray.  What the Ninevites DESERVED was the judgement and condemnation that Jonah was telling them of.  Even Jonah knew that God was a God willing to give to people what they do not deserve.  ”That is why I made haste to flee to Tarshish; for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster.”  God had every right to be angry.  God had every reason to burn the city down, and punish everyone in it for their wickedness.  God does not owe anyone the opportunity to repent.  He does not owe us mercy, or forgiveness – that is why we call it grace.  Forgiveness, and a right standing with God, is not something we deserve.  Wrath and judgment is what we deserve.  To suppose that we deserve forgiveness is to nullify grace, and the free gift of God, that is eternal life (Romans 6:3)

It saddens me.  To teach children that they deserve forgiveness.  Not that they deserve to be held accountable for their sin against a holy God.  May we be willing to teach them truth, that we are so pitifully undeserving of forgiveness, but we serve a gracious, merciful and loving God – willing to give us what we DON’T deserve.

 

You’ve chosen your love, now love your choice.

Nine years ago, my dad included that in his wedding speech to me.  With the wisdom of a well-intuned dad, he knew I would struggle.  That is the struggle though, isn’t it?

I watched “Hitched or Ditched” tonight.  Where the couple gets set up by a friend, and they get to basically have a wedding in four days.  Mass pandemonium.  Mixed feelings.  And in the end, the vows included, but ended at “for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health….”  What?  Not even a feigned effort at Forever?  Sad.  Heart breaking really.   As long as we both shall live?  As long as both get out of this what we want?  As long as my needs are being met?

My marriage was at, had been at, a really comfortable point for a really long time.  Safe.  I avoid vulnerability and authenticity like the plague, while virtually demanding it of others.  (ask my friends, they’ll confirm the latter half – I’m not sure they are all aware of the former half ).  I have made it a point of minimizing my own feelings on a given subject, while maximizing conflict avoidance.  Or even uncomfortability on Brad’s part.  While ironically walking around with a cloud of victimization over my head.

We changed that – a couple weeks ago.  When he said I ought to believe in fairy tales and happy endings, because I’m a girl, and I told him I have not believed in that since I was sixteen.  To which he said “It’s time to let go of the past.”  So I did.

It is a choice.  Every day, it’s a choice.  To be honest, and real.  To be happy, or grumpy.  To wake up miserable, and let it eat away at you, or to love your home, your beautiful children, your God that actually says He sings over you.  It’s a choice to forgive.  To remember that every sin commited against you was ultimately commited against God…  It’s a choice to not cry “I have the right to be happy.  be healthy.  voice my opinion.  be where I want to be in life…”  And love is a choice.

We all say it “I love you more today than…”  ”My love today is deeper than…”  ”I know you better know than…”  but this time I mean it.

 

Still Here

To all my faithful readers… I’m still here.

Life took an interesting turn, when I started my own business on March seventh – check out www.verityink.com

If I could sum up this last season, besides being busy, it has been spiritually dry. In an effort to get my business up and running, I have managed to neglect a great many things that also matter a great deal to me, like being more available to friends in my life, and blogging. Truth be told, there has not been much to blog about, I have been self absorbed, intentionally, and amazed at the slow fade that stems from there. I have let others know I am taking “time for me” and it honestly is not the best strategy. Thank God for good friends, like S.N. who call up and say “are you okay? really okay? we aren’t connecting spiritually right now, why is that?” A most gentle wake up call.

___________________

I am surprised, ever surprised, at how much people are hurting. And how many different ways they find to deal with it. I am not naive, or sheltered, at least I don’t think so any more, but I wish we were all just a little more aware of how many people are in silent agonies so much of the time.

I hope to be on here more. I suspect the twenty views a day I still get has everything to do with my postings on The Shack (I say suspect, but I know – I see that over 3000 people have clicked on my little blog only to view my Shack quotes). That people would be inclined to see the God of the Bible, more than any man contrived version, is my desire.

 

The Shack, and Idolatry.

So, I started this new book called We Become What We Worship.  Interesting.  And, I was thinking about the introduction, and how I think it fits in with one of my ultimate problems with The Shack. 

It’s a long quote, bear with me.  Beale has this to say though, about what God thinks of us creating an image of Him.

“God had not revealed Himself in any form to Isreal, and to portray Him to any degree in the form of any part of the creation is to misrepresent Him and thus to commit idolatry.  Accordingly, God’s ’self-disclosure came through a revelation in words, and the Sinai experience constituted a paradigm of God’s self-disclosure to Isreal; thus, images were prohibited.’  Images of God were also not allowed in order to maintain a continuing consciousness among God’s people that there is a distinction between the Creator and the finite creation, which ‘cannot even remotely accord with the absolute, transcendental character of the God of Isreal…..  ‘God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship Him in spirit and truth.’ (John 4:24)  To worship an image of any part of the creation is to take away from the incomparable glory of God:  ‘I am the LORD, that is My name; I will not give My glory to another, nor My praise to graven images’.  (Is 42:8)…

In expounding on the second commandment, Clavin asserts that representing God by images of His creation is forbidden because as soon as people, who are so bound by physical surroundings, imagine a created image in connection to the deity, they are distracted from God’s true spiritual being, and to some degree the deity is conceived of in some corporeal way….  ‘Since God has prescribed to us how He would be worshipped by us [ie., apart from any images whatsoever], whenever we turn away in the very smallest degree from this rule, we make to ourselves other gods, and degrade Him from His right place.’”  -We Become What We Worship, G.K. Beale

Obviously, Christ became man.  And so we have the second member of the Godhead in a form we can understand.  But making an image of the Father?  Is it really okay to pray to a fat black woman named Mama?  Or, as so many who love The Shack contend – God will reveal Himself as we need Him to…  The Scriptural reality though, is that creating any image of God, when He has chosen to not reveal Himself in a specific form, is idolatry. 

 

 

Have I Had a Good Moment Yet??

I have been thinking lately about what makes “good” good.  The New Testament is full of the talk of rewards in heaven.  Christ talked about them often, about what motivates us to do good works.  And what takes away from the goodness of our actions.  Not to say that we should not make a supper for a friend, or visit someone in the hospital.  And, not even to say that our actions must be entirely altruistic – I have botched things up that way too.  But to ask, what about doing the right thing truly pleases God?

The two areas where I struggle – where my actions are less than they ought to be - are addressed in Scripture; doing them to be noticed for how awesome I am (which I am not), and doing them begrudgingly. 

“Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.”  Matthew 6:2

“Each one must give as he has made up his mind, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”  2 Corinthians 9:7
“Do all things without grumbling or questioning”  Philippians 2:14

I wonder, sometimes, when Christ says “Well done, My good and faithful servant” what that is actually going to look like for me.  I can think of so few moments in my life where I have not either tooted my own horn, subtley or otherwise; or grumbled about helping someone.  And neither honors God.

God wants us to serve Him, and others, out of an overflow of praise, and an ability to see the better in others.  “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”  Philippians 2:3. 

It is something of a sobering reminder for me today.  I want to delight in my Lord, and to have my actions flow out of the peaceful satisfaction that is His sufficiency for me.  I want to be able to serve others out of knowing that His grace is sufficient for me, that His power is made great in my weakness.  That I can be weak enough for His strength, and goodness to shine through – that He might receive all the glory for the actions of my life.

 

Let Him Do What Seems Good.

I am trying to focus for my Bible study this Thursday.  I was contemplating Hannah for a devotional, but I am side-tracked by a passage further down in 1 Samuel chapter 3.  Samuel is hearing the Lord for the first time.  And when he finally understands it is God talking to him, he gets a message about the upcoming death of Eli’s sons:  “And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blasheming God, and he did not restrain them.  Therefore I swear to the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli’s house shall not be atoned for by sacrifice or offering forever.”  (chapter 3:13,14)

And what is Eli’s response, when Samuel tells him this?  “It is the Lord.  Let Him do what seems GOOD to Him.” 

How many of us would respond like this?  I can not imagine being told the Lord was angry enough with me and my children that He was going to punish my house forever.  And, I am certain most of us do not have a trust in God’s sovereignty such that we actually believe His punishing us and our offspring would be Good to Him.  There is no getting around the Hebrew for this word either.  What is good, what is pleasurable, what is agreeable to Him….

I think, especially in light of all the comments I get on my Shack quotes thread, that we are so accustomed to believing what is GOOD to God is the same thing as what we might consider to be good.  Good to God is not suffering.  Good to God is not being in pain.  Good to God is not experiencing loss, or hardships or grief.  It is not having to lose a mommy, a daddy, a brother, a baby in the belly.  It is not going through a dark spot in your marriage.  It is not dealing with substance abuse, or addictions, or eating disorders.  It is not experiencing lonliness, or the pain of divorce, or disease.  And those are just things people close to me are struggling with. 

You see, I know that you are hurting.  I know what it means to suffer, and to weep with others who suffer.  I do not know your pains.  I do know that if you read The Shack, and you defended The Shack, it’s because you hurt too.  It is because you want to be held by God.  Your heart is breaking, and God does not seem GOOD right now.

He is.  Even in the darkest days, He is The Lord.  He will do what seems GOOD TO HIM.  It may hurt for a while – but joy will come in the morning.  Maybe not tomorrow morning.  Or the morning after…  Maybe not for many mornings.  But He will do what is best.  Always.  We can rest in that.

How could Eli call it good?  Because he knew which God He spoke of.

 

Out of my comfort zone.

I am feeling emotions in the last twenty-four hours that I rarely experience – insecurity, and jealousy.  I struggle with lots of sins – we all do – pride – one of the seven deadly sins, is a big one for me.  (Which, incidentally, can only come about when I fail to see my own humanness and frailty…  Maybe insecurity is a good place to be??)

I do not measure my self worth monetarily.  I can not; I am a house wife.  But I have also been a Stampin’ Up demonstrator for two and a half years.  Yesterday, I received an email from a past customer, who let me know that they no longer need my emails because they signed up as a demonstrator, under some one else, 4 months ago.  This is now the third customer to tell me this.  I am clearly (don’t patronise, or try to correct me) not doing my job well.

I have not run my business as a business for quite some time.  I thought once my boys went back to school in the fall I would have every other afternoon to myself to stamp, when Trinity was napping.  She dropped naps within weeks of my finally getting quiet time back.  I simply do not have the daytime hours to pursue it, and can not bring myself to working the business much in the evenings, after working (some of you might think “working”) all day. 

I totalled my workhours in a week this morning.  Brad is out from 7:30 to 4:30.  45 hours in a week.  By the time I gave myself 8 hours for Bible study, 2 hours for gymanstics, 3 hours for laundry, 3 hours to workout… you get the picture…  I ended up with 49 hours worth of things that need doing, without even factoring in stamping.  I do not have the time.  But it is frustrating.  I WANT to be able to do it.  Perhaps to prove my worth.  Which is DUMB.  Because I am not insecure.  I do not need to be successful by the world’s standards.  But that part of me that is embarassed by the customers I am losing to better demonstrators makes me want to prove myself.  I can not help but take it at least a little personal.  I am not warm and fuzzy.  I will tell you if my head hurts.  Sometimes my kids are loud.  I absolutely SUCK at diplomacy.  I can not hide a single expression on my face – but good luck knowing what I am actually thinking.  And I feel more vulnerable right now than I am comfortable with.

 

Payback? Or paying it forward?

“Paying it forward” is not my favorite phrase.  I’m not exactly sure why that is, there is just something about it that feels trite perhaps.  But the idea is good.

I have a friend, that simply hates the idea of accepting help, unless there is some way she can pay people back.  And right now, she can’t.  I think we all have moments like this – I needed ALOT of help from a lot of people when Trinity was in the hospital for a week.  By day two, there was no way I could keep track of how many hours I owed of babysitting, or random favors to even the score.  And, I think my friends and family would have been insulted if I had suggested I would only accept help if I could repay them.

I think that the need to pay it back inhibits our ability to truly understand grace.  It impacts how well we are able to accept what God alone has accomplished on the cross for us.  We want to pay back.  We don’t like feeling indebted to anyone. 

Piper made a great point regarding Romans 1:14 – “I am a debtor both to Greeks and to barbarians, both to wise and to unwise.”  We are not indebted to God, because of the grace shown to us.  We can not pay Him back.  We ought not  try.  But we are in debt to those around us, to share with them the mercy shown to us.  I am indebt to my neighbor who is hostile to the gospel.  I am indebted to the angry mom at my kids’ school, to bless her with the love God has shown me.  I am indebted to my unbelieving family…

Friend – you are not indebted to me.  You do not need to pay me back.  You do not owe me anything – in fact to try and do so robs the giver of the blessing of freely giving.  But pay it forward.  Give to others – time, energy, love – out of the abundance of blessings you feel you have received.

 

Summary.

I started blogging because the Lord was showing me things that I simply could not keep in my head.  Read my first few months of blogging…  I found delight in the Lord and His Word, and other books on Him on a daily basis.  I was moved by what I was reading. 

I am not sure exactly when or why I got off track.  I have some ideas, but hesitate to tell people – because the reaction is inevitably guilt on their part, or pity, or withdrawl.  I miss my blog being my place to be real – and perhaps I put that choice on others more than I ought.

I have been burnt out.  2008 was a year unlike any other.  I started it off helping a friend with triplets find help…  I can’t believe that was a year ago!  I went to too many funerals.  8?  I’ve lost count.  I have mourned with many.  And listened.  And loved every minute of it, even when it was taking from reserves I did not think I had any more.  I’m not being arrogant.  Just honest.  Which I have been avoiding.  Which is why I have not been writing.  It’s so much easier to blog about the book I have read than the lives that are affecting mine.

Bible study.  That is growing.  If you had told me a year ago that the few of us who got together would be stretching in to over a dozen women, I would not have believed you.  And the study is changing.  My feelings on the direction it is taking remain the same, my fortitude does not.  I am apologizing at times for God’s Word.  Ugh.  I can not believe I am doing that.  I am seeking guidance, as the next study is going to be intense.

I tried to make a list of priorities.  They all are.  I mean, of course God first, and family.  But, not only do I not live that way, but my heart is so divided over all the other things I love.  I can not think of anything I want to give up, and while I may have time for the rest, I am not sure I have the energy for it.  Can I lead a Bible study and coach gymnastics every week, while also taking care of my family, and selling Stampin’ Up?  Can I enjoy my time in the Word, and football, and Halo, and time with friends, while still making sure Brad knows he is valued?  Can I recharge with a book, when I have exhausted myself during the day?  Can I dare lead a Bible study, without an appropriate amount of time in the Word, in prayer?  What happened to talking to Rachel an hour a day?  Laundry?  Supper that doesn’t look like macaroni and cheese every other night?  How do I choose?  Maybe it does not sound like too much to you.  I do not think I want it too.  Ironic, isn’t it?  I do not want anyone to know it is too much – some days that is pride, most days I fear people not sharing their hearts, because they think I have too much going on.  The fact of the matter is, it is never too much when someone is hurting….

I know there are enough hours in a day.  I do not know how to always get the most out of them.

 

I went to Florida, not to get away from it, but I did hope to at least gain some perspective.  None.  I came home feeling refreshed, but as bullheadedly determined to not change things as I have been up to this point.  In fact, the only changes I want to make seem to be to add in more things.  Exercise.  Blog again.  Commiting to actually doing homework regularily with my son…

It all sounds so human.  Do you hear it?  The utter lack of God in the conversation?  The list of to-dos?  Priorities that sound somewhat devoid of any real passion behind them, while I remain passionate about all of it?  Pragmatic.  I am being pragmatic about things I love.  Never makes for a good conversation.

 

People say they have missed me.  That means a lot.  I am here – here just happens to be more intense these days than I can possibly share.  Does everyone have a wall around their thoughts as large as mine?