adrenaline.

I’m not sure what to think at this point – which is an ironic no-surprise – I have an insight into others that absolutely stops when it comes to examining my own feelings… A something that I have chosen to accept at this point.  Some of it is intentional – and I suppose in all reality sin – the running from thoughts I would force a friend to face… but most of it is really just a convoluted layering of emotions, thoughts and intangibles that I can not easily digest on my own.  Hence writing.

It’s just been an unusual couple of days… Like – I know the Lord has stamped His hand all over them – but I am not sure why.  Thankfully, the answer “for His glory” hovers over all of it like a safe, dark cloak.  There is shelter in the “big” answer to life’s questions – for there are so many things that can not be nailed down or answered beyond that.

Brad took the boys spontaneously for an overnight with my dad in the Detroit area.  My mom, who has had her chemo treatment put off twice because her white blood cell count wasn’t high enough, took Trinity overnight as well.  An empty house to myself.  I thought I would stay home.  Ha.  Not so much.

I want to tell you about people I was with, I’m not sure I can…  I want to tell you how good of friends they are.  I am not sure there are words.  I am beyond blessed by the people I share my life with – being real with people is a gift…. I spent a day and a half feeling my soul fed and drained and stretched.   Interesting though; I talked about my love of tattoos and motorcycles and the thrills of earthly things, and proceeded to experience the biggest scare of my life.

Heather and I had a full day of driving.  We filled it with earnest talk and deep thoughts.  I had just finished expressing my readiness to go Home anytime; we had talked about that, and connecting thoughts for a few minutes.  We were so close to home when the sky ahead of us was quite suddenly hung with low, and dark, and intense clouds.  Heather did a five second countdown to going from not-a-drop-of-rain to getting smacked with it – but she didn’t get past one-two when we hit an absolute wall of water.  I have never before been able to see NOTHING out of a windshield.  Not a thing.  The water came down in one forceful sheet, and Heather steered the car safely from our left-hand lane that we couldn’t even see to the right hand shoulder, where every other car on the road was presently parked.  And we sat for a few minutes – watching the wind and the rain shake the car, and wondering at what point we were supposed to join the debris in the ditch, to not get picked up by a tornado.  It was that bad.  You have to understand – another friend and I had been in a crazy storm only a few weeks back, and I handled that with relative calm.  This one was CRAZY.  I was scared – shaking, and trying to not throw up.  We tried to find a weather report – and nothing.  It was this totally flukey thing that kind of fell out of the heavens, landed exactly where we were, left a path of pretty debris on the highway, and then was gone.  And I felt… ALIVE.  Like, the rush of taking a road too fast on a bike alive, and the rush of hitting a corner leaning with a bike alive, and the pinch of a 6.5 hr tattoo alive… but magnified.  And I felt like perhaps the Lord had seen fit to remind me yesterday the absolute thrill of being in His presence.

My son one birthday looked out the window to see a rainbow and told me that God had given him a birthday present (incidentally I thought I shared when there was one on my birthday this past Monday).  But.  I have a very real suspicion (as does Heather) that the weirdness we drove into was the Lord directing the weather to speak to me… Goosebumps – but my whole weekend was covered in them – the timing of too many things that culminated in much-needed conversations and storms that say “I Am.”  Maybe it sounds a little ridiculous – I suppose without elaborating on some of my other conversations you have no real way of knowing why the Lord seemed so present.

Over and over again I need the lesson tattooed into my arm spoken to me – I am a half-hearted creature, fooling about with the things of this world, when infinite joy is offered me – I am far too easily pleased.  Even the greatest thrills, the greatest scares, the greatest joys of this life that I pursue have NOTHING on what God would show me… He reveals Himself through His handiwork (“For His invisible attributes, namely His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made.  So they are without excuse.” ~ Romans 2:20) – and He chose to do so loud and clear last night….

I find myself reflecting, and getting the thrill and chill of knowing I serve an incredible God that I so often choose to forget in my vain pursuits of the wonders of earth that will pass away.  I feel like Elijah – but not.  I feel like where Elijah trembled at finally hearing God in a whisper – I tremble because I finally heard Him in the thunder…. It’s humbling – the idea of the God of the universe wanting your attention…

There he came to a cave and lodged in it. And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and he said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.” And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lordpassed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”  ~ 1 Kings 19:9-13

I want, in these moments of transparency, to be more keen to see where God is leading me… Further and further away from the fading things of this earth, closer to Him, and the eternal things that matter….

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Angel
    Jul 24, 2011 @ 19:53:37

    Love u friend and your honesty!

    Reply

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