Out of my comfort zone.

I am feeling emotions in the last twenty-four hours that I rarely experience – insecurity, and jealousy.  I struggle with lots of sins – we all do – pride – one of the seven deadly sins, is a big one for me.  (Which, incidentally, can only come about when I fail to see my own humanness and frailty…  Maybe insecurity is a good place to be??)

I do not measure my self worth monetarily.  I can not; I am a house wife.  But I have also been a Stampin’ Up demonstrator for two and a half years.  Yesterday, I received an email from a past customer, who let me know that they no longer need my emails because they signed up as a demonstrator, under some one else, 4 months ago.  This is now the third customer to tell me this.  I am clearly (don’t patronise, or try to correct me) not doing my job well.

I have not run my business as a business for quite some time.  I thought once my boys went back to school in the fall I would have every other afternoon to myself to stamp, when Trinity was napping.  She dropped naps within weeks of my finally getting quiet time back.  I simply do not have the daytime hours to pursue it, and can not bring myself to working the business much in the evenings, after working (some of you might think “working”) all day. 

I totalled my workhours in a week this morning.  Brad is out from 7:30 to 4:30.  45 hours in a week.  By the time I gave myself 8 hours for Bible study, 2 hours for gymanstics, 3 hours for laundry, 3 hours to workout… you get the picture…  I ended up with 49 hours worth of things that need doing, without even factoring in stamping.  I do not have the time.  But it is frustrating.  I WANT to be able to do it.  Perhaps to prove my worth.  Which is DUMB.  Because I am not insecure.  I do not need to be successful by the world’s standards.  But that part of me that is embarassed by the customers I am losing to better demonstrators makes me want to prove myself.  I can not help but take it at least a little personal.  I am not warm and fuzzy.  I will tell you if my head hurts.  Sometimes my kids are loud.  I absolutely SUCK at diplomacy.  I can not hide a single expression on my face – but good luck knowing what I am actually thinking.  And I feel more vulnerable right now than I am comfortable with.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. susan
    Feb 03, 2009 @ 14:24:19

    oooh this one feels very vulnerable friend.

    wanna come over for tea???

    “i can not hide a single expression on my face” – so true, and what i appreciate about you, even if it scares me sometimes!!! i love and crave your honesty dear. thank you for being real.


  2. Nicole
    Feb 03, 2009 @ 14:33:34

    tea sounds wonderful – when?


  3. susan
    Feb 03, 2009 @ 21:47:34

    i know you have a busy weekly schedule…. but how does friday sound?

    or saturday… or next week wednesday/friday?


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