Goodbyes.

Tomorrow, I will be attending my sixth funeral this year.  One of my close friends lost their mom to cancer.  One of my other friends lost a Grandpa, whom they had lived with for years.  Another lost her Dad.  I lost my own Grandfather to cancer.  And my uncle to cancer.  And tomorrow, I am going to be with my best friend, as she says goodbye to an aunt she was just starting to get to know again.  There is also the grief of miscarriages this year.  Not my own, but I could not feel any closer… 

I am amazed at how marked by death this year has seemed personally.  And, as I think over the funerals, over the way people are finally summarized, it makes me long to be remembered well.  One funeral felt incredibly, incredibly silly.  That was a hard.  It left little room for grieving.  I think that was the intent.  Another felt impersonal.  Like those who were there really did not know the person that well.  My grandfather’s funeral was as it should be.  Small.  And, I don’t think there was a dry eye when those from the legion saluted him.  Or when my Daddy did either. 

I don’t know what tomorrow brings.  I don’t know how teenage boys say goodbye to a mommy.  I don’t know how you say goodbye to a wife that left too soon.  But I do know how to grieve in a corner, when you feel like you don’t quite belong….

If this post seems abrasive, I’ll call it self-defense.  The lack of blogging in my life is, again, but a reflection of the intensity of my thoughts, and not the lack of them.  They feel a little too raw…..

Paul talks of the saints as those “Of whom the world is not worthy.”  I like that.  I wonder what that looks like in these days.  I know it looks like Raquel.  And I know it looks like Susan.  Raquel for your unquivering desire to please Him no matter the cost.  Susan for your selflessness and constant desire to think of others better than yourself.  It makes me long for some of what you both have.  I don’t want to be immortalized in silliness.  Or sterility.  I do want to strive to be remembered for my love for my Savior.  I want to be summarized that way…. 

So tomorrow brings another goodbye.  I must admit, that while I find myself becoming more adept at this, it does not get easier.  I go to grieve with others – and that often feels harder than going for yourself.  Not because my pain is greater, but because I would rather bear the hurt than you….  If I could carry your burdens, I would friends….  Praise God, He does.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Dr Mike (aka Phaedrus)
    Jan 20, 2009 @ 09:00:28

    Nicole:

    Everything OK?

    You’ve disappeared since this post. I jumped back in to Theologica (again!) but I haven’t seen a trace of you there.

    I hope you’re doing well. Let us (at Theologica know if you’re not so we can pray for you or do whatever we can.

    In Christ,

    Reply

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