On the Edge.

I feel myself, again, to be on the brink of something great – and yet overly cautious to look out over the edge.  I have long felt the need to hide from myself – and if I do not know me, the odds of you figuring me out are even greater.

But God knows.  And He is in pursuit.  I am not sure what exactly that looks like.  I do not think it is for me to know either – sufficient for each day is its own trouble.  But there is something there, when simple conversations on the phone make me want to run and cry because I recongize the futility of everyday living.  I want to leave it all behind me.  And, I wish this desire were greater, and I wish I could sustain it.  “The things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.”  It feels, however temporarily, that nothing else matters, save pleasing Him.  And, I think He is wanting me to be willing to do hard things.

I have been here before.  Numerous times in the last one and a half years now.  And most times I end up clinging to the safe known.  Not because I want what I cling to, but because I do not know what the narrow path of loneliness is going to require.  Today is not the first time I have heard “God has great things in store for you.”  I never know if people mean that in some especial way, as though He does not have great things in store for everyone else, or if it is just that thing to say.  I am not implying people are disingenuious.  I am just terrified of what those great things might be.  The truth of the matter is, I don’t want great things.  I want boring, and safe.  I want creature comforts that lull me.  I want just enough of God in my life to feel like I am being useful and loved, without really standing out from everyone else. 

My sister would tell me I am overanalyzing.  She might also tell me to play Halo till these strange feelings pass.  My husband would ask me why I look like I am about to cry.  I could not explain it better than I have.  I feel conflicted.  Usually it is out of a strong sense of doing what I ought not do.  Today it is out of a strong sense of being pulled towards that which should be pursued.  It is a deep, deep place He wants to take me to.  I wish I knew what to pack.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Raquel
    Oct 28, 2008 @ 15:16:29

    Pack your armor 😉

    Reply

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