24 hours. Not so very long… But I feel like I have been up for all of them.

My Grandpa passed away last night. I took the kids up to see him yesterday, and the only real sign of life was his breathing. I had expected him to be able to see the page I put on his wall – I thought he had a few weeks left. But, the Lord’s timing is always perfect – and I praise Him for the chance to say goodbye.

I could not really bring the subject up on the phone today. Everyone else is too busy, and I do not want to have to explain myself overmuch to people that have too much on their plate to listen. Raquel, I tried your phone a kazillion times – and am trying to remember that people in the Bible never look lonely on the pages when they “only” have the Lord to talk to.

I thought grandparent’s leaving was supposed to feel not so significant. I am surprised… And ashamed, at how little I have acknowledged the same loss in other people’s lives in the past. My husband gets it – and yet – he too has had about the worst two weeks at work that he has had since he graduated university. I have yet to understand why God gives us grief upon grief at the same time – but it always comes in waves. Whether it’s the baby/loss of mom/loss of employment wave… or the moving/new baby/house broken into wave, or the car accidents/Grandma with alzheimers/losing Grandpa/work stress wave… or… you fill in the blank – I know you know what I am talking about.

I remember Certs. And Puff the magic Dragon. And a new microscope. I remember bikes that were not supposed to be more than one gear. I think of him quacking at my son. Of wet kisses. Of a gruff tone that belied the underlying humor. Of the sense of immortality I always felt around Grandpa – he seemed practically invincible.

I feel guilty being upset for my own self. I am used to grieving with others. I think alot of it is pride, and I am unsure how to chip away at that barrier. I want people to know – but only if they care. But they can not care if they do not know. And they can not know if the walls are up. Which, of course, they are.

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. bishop
    Jul 25, 2008 @ 23:06:46

    Nicole, I’m so sorry. My family’s thoughts and prayers here will include you and your family right now during this time.


  2. Nicole
    Jul 25, 2008 @ 23:07:53

    Prayers to whom my friend?


  3. Jenn
    Jul 26, 2008 @ 00:32:29

    So sorry for your loss, Nic. I so know how you are feeling. I never knew the grief in losing a grandparent until I lost one. There are still moments and quirky things that remind me of them and it’s been 5 yrs.

    ((Big Hug)) Praying for you as you adjust to the loss.


  4. Rey
    Jul 28, 2008 @ 15:04:45

    I so relate.


  5. Nicole
    Jul 28, 2008 @ 21:34:10

    thanks guys….


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