Dark chocolate of life.

I think if we wanted to live every moment as if it were our last, it would be like always eating the richest, most intense dark chocolate cake with icing. It’s just too intense. It would have the bittersweetness of dark cocoa – where you treasure every glance of your loved ones, wondering how it would feel if this were you last days, or theirs.

I tuck my kids in different, when I am thinking of death. That is a good thing. But, the intensity is not something we can maintain in any healthy sort of way, is it?

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I have never been in a car accident – until May. Two since then – the first with my hubby, the second, although minor, still shook me up. My Mom and kids were in the van with me. My friend totalled his bike last week on the track – and is blessed to have walked away with only bruises. And yesterday my Dad and Sister got in an accident.

They are fine – we have all been fine. Thank God. But, it reminds me of life’s fragility. My uncle has cancer. My Grandfather also has cancer, and was just moved to the hospital this week – where he has not really been conscious of his visitors. My Grandmother is being tested for alzheimer’s tomorrow…

Some of it I feel more for my parent’s sake than for my own. Even that though, is bitterness – for so much of this is family I have never really gotten to know.

I think hearing Laurel was in an accident shook me up more than the rest. She threw a surprise birthday party for me on Saturday – and I am constantly aware of how much she means to me. I am so blessed to have someone like her in my life – a great listener. Level headed (with other people’s problems : ) Someone to bounce theology off of. Someone who very dearly loves my children. Someone four years my junior….

It puts a brevity in the air. Life is but a vapor. And we waste so much of it on stupid pleasures, and stupid fights. Stupid cares. Afraid to be vulnerable. Too busy to be vulnerable. I just don’t want that anymore. I know that feeling will pass. I pray none too soon. I want the dark chocolate of life – the intensity, complexity and serious pursuit of delighting in those around me. At least, I think I do.

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