My Head….

I told a friend this week that I am always thinking – natural for a girl, right?  I am just amazed at how varied my thoughts have been…

Life is a bit humdrum.  Don’t get me wrong – I am busy – it just does not always feel like the right sort of busy.  Like, too much time blog surfing lately.  But, that feels good too – because there is so much to think about when I fold laundry right now.

Angel – your babies are gorgeous.  People keep thanking me for helping, and it really has not felt like work, and certainly not now that I have gone over to your place to help feed those beauties – getting a schedule together was a little overwhelming – but the blog idea is working quite well (146 hits on day one!) – and I feel on top of things.  And, more and more people are volunteering – praise God!

Praise God – something I am not doing enough of.  A new, good, wonderful friend asked me to pray about something for her today – and I dared suggest she should talk to a real prayer warrior.  But, it made me Want to pray – and I have been… My head did this sort of “Me, you trust Me with your needs?  I will gladly bring them before my Lord.”  Ah, that I might become a woman who trusts in the magnitute of His abilities.  As Beth Moore said “If I am going to err – may I err on the side of believing.”

I wonder if I have offended a friend – by “preaching” too much.  I used a bunch of Christian jargon, and realise I don’t know how to make it sound normal for people who were not raised in a church.  I probably sound patronising, and snobby so much of the time, when all I really want for anyone is to know my Savior….

I found a few atheists blogs.  Wow.  My head is overwhelmed here.  Deep waters – these men are smart.  Good to be challenged – and I am amazed at how much of my thoughts turn to doctines I feel I have only begun understanding since reading “God’s Passion for His Glory” by Piper this past May….  My thoughts here are many, too many to put out here… I do wonder though, is atheism a religion?  Because, even the pursuit of not believing God seems blog-worthy to those living it.  I live in such a bubble…

Which, again, I have to think over some of my narrow minded comments on the phone with a friend today… I live Such a sheltered existence.  I still hang out with the same people I went to school with.  There is no significant diversity in my city – in any regard, and so I am finding my horizions stretched more sitting here than I do going out my front door.  I don’t know what to do with what feels like new knowledge Chica, I am just trusting God for answers and guidance.

Because, I want answers.  I want to feel like I have the next five years mapped out.  If only I put everything into every moment – like Jonathan Edwards.  If only I expended myself for those around me (Isaiah 58:10 I think)… if only me didn’t think so much about me… maybe I would feel like I needed more than to just scrub toilets and fold laundry to feel like I have accomplished something today.

I hate unresolved conflict.  I have some, that feels significant, that lingers – for 8.5 months now.  I’ve had babies in this amount of time.  I know that the Lord desires peace and resolution, and I need to be praying more about this.

My foundations are shaking.  I still hate words like “dialoging” on “conversation”  but I get it boys.  I find myself more understanding of what is happening, and more desirous to both be a part of The solution, and yet feeling at odds with any of the alternatives presented.  I feel a little like a spleen.  Or an appendix…. You know, the part of the (church) body, that no one really knows what to do with.  I suppose that in following Christ daily, I will be living my odd role, right?  I don’t need answers today, for 6 months from now, do I Laurel?

Heather.  I miss you.  I need you home. 

I had something else, but I have forgotten what… perhaps tomorrow.  What randomness in my head!

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jeromy
    Jan 11, 2008 @ 00:50:27

    Nicole – This is one of the most sincere and heart felt posts I have read in a long time. It is truly unnerving to have your foundations shake, but I have found it causes me to rely even more on God and less on even my knowledge and certainty. I really feel you are searching and I do consider you a friend…even if you don’t like to dialogue 😉 Thank you for opening up and letting us into your heart, even though you only meant to let us into your head.

    Blessings……from one of the boys.


  2. raquelamisto
    Jan 11, 2008 @ 12:03:29

    “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through
    knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.” -Proverbs 24:3-4

    Every day God wants to fill our rooms with “rare and beautiful treasures” – because, after all, the only wisdom or intellect that counts is sourced from God. Let’s choose to receive it! Not for personal gain (is that James 3?) but for His glory.


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