When I can’t…


It’s worse than you can tell from this pic – it continues a little longer on the bottom end – and is about 1.5 millimeter’s deep….

There have been some “I can’t” moments in my life.  Like the time I broke up with my boyfriend at 16 (hey, the world seemed smaller and more tramatic then), or, all three times I went into labor… When you say “I can’t do this”… but you have to anyways.

Today is the first, I can’t I can’t.  My little girl just want to the hospital with her tongue split open like a taco, and I couldn’t go with her.

I cringe at the sight of blood, buck up, and clean up… but the thought of her needing stitches in her tiny mouth…. I want to throw up.  I was with her when they poured liquid charcoal down her throat (we thought she had OD on some midol in my purse) and that had tested my limits.  So, tonight I handed her off to my husband, saying “I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t” and went to put my boys into their beds.

Why is it so much easier to go through things ourselves?  I was nervous about having my wisdom tooth out last week – but I will take that any day over the thought of one of my little ones suffering.

Don’t correct me on this one – I just feel like a bad mommy right now.  I know I am not… but I just feel like I abandoned her – like my needing to not watch was more important than her needing me there….  If it were anyone else but Brad that I was home with, to either stay or go, I’d be taking her.  I guess Daddy time is good too….

I thank God for His sovereignty tonight.  And His strength.  I think of how this pales in comparison to kids with cancer, or diabetes with daily insulin.  It pales to being born with any major health problem.  I am so thoroughly blessed with my babies, and my husband….  I just wish I could have said “I can” tonight…

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jeromy
    Dec 03, 2007 @ 22:45:47

    Nicole, what an awful thing to experience…I’m so sorry. You, Brad, your boys and Trinity are in my family’s prayers tonight.


  2. Verity
    Dec 04, 2007 @ 08:52:45

    Thank you Jeremy!

    Well, Brad was in and out in a few minutes (a good thing, when the whole thing started after regular bedtime!) The doctor told him it was one of the worst examples of biting a tongue he had seen in such a little kid… He is hoping to avoid stitches, but if it has not healed up within a week, we will go that route (here’s praying that does not happen!)

    She can not eat anything that could clog up the cut for 3 days – so essentially jello, ice cream, pudding, soup kinda days…. should be fun!!


  3. Jeromy
    Dec 05, 2007 @ 22:24:33

    Just wanted to check in to see how Trinity is doing? Did she fall and bite her tongue, or how did it happen?


  4. Verity
    Dec 06, 2007 @ 10:04:00

    going to the doctor in an hour – I just want to know if she can eat something more substantial…

    not sure how it happened – she definately bit it – but I was in the other room at the time – and I know it was not instigated by one of her brothers….

    thanks for asking!


  5. Verity
    Dec 06, 2007 @ 23:23:55

    Hurray! No infection, good to eat again – will take a few weeks to heal, but other than that, and a little fussing at meal times, nothing to worry about.


  6. Jeromy
    Dec 07, 2007 @ 00:44:20

    Good to hear. Jen and I are commenting on what a cute face she has in that picture.


  7. susan
    Dec 08, 2007 @ 15:26:46


    i wish i had read this sooner, i am so so so sad for you my dear. what drama you have gone through lately!!

    hug hug and hug from me…. and wow. i am sorry i didn’ t know about this sooner so that i could have called and offered moral support…..

    sorry dear friend.


  8. Matt
    Oct 21, 2008 @ 13:25:33


    I am contacting you because I am working with the authors of a book about blogs, and I’d like to request permission to use a photograph of yours in this book. Please contact me at matt@wefeelfine.org, and I’d be happy to give you more information about the project. Please paste a link to your blog in the subject field. Your assistance is greatly appreciated.




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