Choked up, part two

I think this will take up far too much space as a comment, and have chosen instead to respond to a previous thread here….

I can not explain to you, how a part of me, larger than I care to admit, wants to see God as you do… let me explain, through a friend:

“From my childhood up, my mind had been full of objections against the doctrine of God’s sovereignty, in choosing whom He would to eternal life; and rejecting whom He pleased; leaving them to eternally to perish, and be everlastingly tormented in hell.  It used to apprear like a horrible doctrine to me.  But I remember this time very well when I seemed to be convinced, and fully satisfied, as to this sovereignty of God, and His justice in thus eternally disposing of men, according to His sovereign pleasure.  But never could give an account how, or by what means, I was thus convinced, not in the least imagining at the time, nor a long time after, that there was any extraordinary influence of God’s Spirit in it; but only that now I saw further, and my reason apprehended the justice and reasonableness of it.  However, my mind rested in it; and it put an end to all those cavils and objections.  And there was a wonderful alteration in my mind, with respect to the doctrine of God’s sovereignty, from that day to this; so that I scarce ever have found so much as the rising of an objection against it, in the most absolute sense, in God showing mercy to whom He will show mercy, and hardening whom He will.  God’s absolute sovereignty and justice, with respect to salvation and damnation, is what my mind seems to rest assured of, as much as of any thing that I see with my eyes; at least it is so at times.  But I have often, since that first conviction, had quite another kind of sense of God’s sovereignty than I had then.  I have often since had not only a conviction, but a delightful conviction.  The doctrine has very often appeared exceedingly pleasant, bright and sweet.  Absolute sovereignty is what I love to ascribe to God.  But my first conviction was not so.”

 I am not yet with Jonathan Edwards.  I WANT to be.  I understand God’s sovereignty.  I know it to be true.  But when I tuck my 4 year old into bed – with his tiny, rebellious heart beating, I cry out “oh God!  I do not know how to love You so very well, if Levi is to be a vessel of wrath!  Oh God, oh God!!!!  What will I do???”  I want, desperately to delight in this great truth – man’s salvation is truly in the hands of the Almighty alone!  I want to rejoice in that! 

But at times, this heart rebels.  Lord!  If You CAN save everyone, why DON’T You???  What about my uncle, dying this year of cancer?  What of good friends far away, what of good friends close to home?  Why me?  Why not everyone I love????  IT’S NOT FAIR!  So cries my heart!  So, rebels my heart.  We want to take His sovereignty away.  We want to let Him off the hook.  We want to believe that grace and mercy are owed to everyone – if He bled on the cross, and took away the sins of some, WHY NOT ALL? 

For His glory.  For His divine pleasure and good will.  Because He owes man, who traded the delight of the omnipotent for a piece of fruit, nothing.  For His glory.  It is as close to a mantra as my heart will get – for He has done it all, for His glory…..

 And so, of all the prayers of my heart – the loudest that cries is that I might love His sovereignty – for right now I feel like the childlike Edwards – stuck in the fear and awesomeness of this truth, and not in the beauty of it…..


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. raquelamisto
    Nov 21, 2007 @ 13:27:16

    Yesterday I was doing my homework for Jeromy’s blog and decided to read through all of Romans. I ran across Romans 9:14-18 (the whole chapter rocks but I think this is the gist of it) –

    “What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! For he says to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” It does not, therefore, depend on man’s desire or effort, but on God’s mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: “I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.”

    It’s beautiful that the one in whom deserves to be trusted has it all under control. But simultaneously, it’s scary that the result of His control may not look like what we want it to look like. No?


  2. Verity
    Nov 21, 2007 @ 14:07:14

    Agreed Rachel!!!!

    I think knowing He is in control is the only reason why I can go to Him with verses like Psalm 103:17 “But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
    and his righteousness to children’s children”. I can pray to Him, and remind Him “God, You have said Your righteousness is for my children – do that Lord I pray.” And I trust Him for that, and I can trust Him for that, because it is in His hands.

    An interesting sort of related thought – I was listening to Swindoll this morning, and he said “to God they are elect, to us they are lost”… a reminder to never, ever assume, to love all, to pray for all, and to leave the results with our sovereign God…


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