Let Him Do What Seems Good.

I am trying to focus for my Bible study this Thursday.  I was contemplating Hannah for a devotional, but I am side-tracked by a passage further down in 1 Samuel chapter 3.  Samuel is hearing the Lord for the first time.  And when he finally understands it is God talking to him, he gets a message about the upcoming death of Eli’s sons:  “And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blasheming God, and he did not restrain them.  Therefore I swear to the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli’s house shall not be atoned for by sacrifice or offering forever.”  (chapter 3:13,14)

And what is Eli’s response, when Samuel tells him this?  “It is the Lord.  Let Him do what seems GOOD to Him.” 

How many of us would respond like this?  I can not imagine being told the Lord was angry enough with me and my children that He was going to punish my house forever.  And, I am certain most of us do not have a trust in God’s sovereignty such that we actually believe His punishing us and our offspring would be Good to Him.  There is no getting around the Hebrew for this word either.  What is good, what is pleasurable, what is agreeable to Him….

I think, especially in light of all the comments I get on my Shack quotes thread, that we are so accustomed to believing what is GOOD to God is the same thing as what we might consider to be good.  Good to God is not suffering.  Good to God is not being in pain.  Good to God is not experiencing loss, or hardships or grief.  It is not having to lose a mommy, a daddy, a brother, a baby in the belly.  It is not going through a dark spot in your marriage.  It is not dealing with substance abuse, or addictions, or eating disorders.  It is not experiencing lonliness, or the pain of divorce, or disease.  And those are just things people close to me are struggling with. 

You see, I know that you are hurting.  I know what it means to suffer, and to weep with others who suffer.  I do not know your pains.  I do know that if you read The Shack, and you defended The Shack, it’s because you hurt too.  It is because you want to be held by God.  Your heart is breaking, and God does not seem GOOD right now.

He is.  Even in the darkest days, He is The Lord.  He will do what seems GOOD TO HIM.  It may hurt for a while – but joy will come in the morning.  Maybe not tomorrow morning.  Or the morning after…  Maybe not for many mornings.  But He will do what is best.  Always.  We can rest in that.

How could Eli call it good?  Because he knew which God He spoke of.

 

Out of my comfort zone.

I am feeling emotions in the last twenty-four hours that I rarely experience – insecurity, and jealousy.  I struggle with lots of sins – we all do – pride – one of the seven deadly sins, is a big one for me.  (Which, incidentally, can only come about when I fail to see my own humanness and frailty…  Maybe insecurity is a good place to be??)

I do not measure my self worth monetarily.  I can not; I am a house wife.  But I have also been a Stampin’ Up demonstrator for two and a half years.  Yesterday, I received an email from a past customer, who let me know that they no longer need my emails because they signed up as a demonstrator, under some one else, 4 months ago.  This is now the third customer to tell me this.  I am clearly (don’t patronise, or try to correct me) not doing my job well.

I have not run my business as a business for quite some time.  I thought once my boys went back to school in the fall I would have every other afternoon to myself to stamp, when Trinity was napping.  She dropped naps within weeks of my finally getting quiet time back.  I simply do not have the daytime hours to pursue it, and can not bring myself to working the business much in the evenings, after working (some of you might think “working”) all day. 

I totalled my workhours in a week this morning.  Brad is out from 7:30 to 4:30.  45 hours in a week.  By the time I gave myself 8 hours for Bible study, 2 hours for gymanstics, 3 hours for laundry, 3 hours to workout… you get the picture…  I ended up with 49 hours worth of things that need doing, without even factoring in stamping.  I do not have the time.  But it is frustrating.  I WANT to be able to do it.  Perhaps to prove my worth.  Which is DUMB.  Because I am not insecure.  I do not need to be successful by the world’s standards.  But that part of me that is embarassed by the customers I am losing to better demonstrators makes me want to prove myself.  I can not help but take it at least a little personal.  I am not warm and fuzzy.  I will tell you if my head hurts.  Sometimes my kids are loud.  I absolutely SUCK at diplomacy.  I can not hide a single expression on my face – but good luck knowing what I am actually thinking.  And I feel more vulnerable right now than I am comfortable with.

 

Payback? Or paying it forward?

“Paying it forward” is not my favorite phrase.  I’m not exactly sure why that is, there is just something about it that feels trite perhaps.  But the idea is good.

I have a friend, that simply hates the idea of accepting help, unless there is some way she can pay people back.  And right now, she can’t.  I think we all have moments like this – I needed ALOT of help from a lot of people when Trinity was in the hospital for a week.  By day two, there was no way I could keep track of how many hours I owed of babysitting, or random favors to even the score.  And, I think my friends and family would have been insulted if I had suggested I would only accept help if I could repay them.

I think that the need to pay it back inhibits our ability to truly understand grace.  It impacts how well we are able to accept what God alone has accomplished on the cross for us.  We want to pay back.  We don’t like feeling indebted to anyone. 

Piper made a great point regarding Romans 1:14 – “I am a debtor both to Greeks and to barbarians, both to wise and to unwise.”  We are not indebted to God, because of the grace shown to us.  We can not pay Him back.  We ought not  try.  But we are in debt to those around us, to share with them the mercy shown to us.  I am indebt to my neighbor who is hostile to the gospel.  I am indebted to the angry mom at my kids’ school, to bless her with the love God has shown me.  I am indebted to my unbelieving family…

Friend – you are not indebted to me.  You do not need to pay me back.  You do not owe me anything – in fact to try and do so robs the giver of the blessing of freely giving.  But pay it forward.  Give to others – time, energy, love – out of the abundance of blessings you feel you have received.

 

Summary.

I started blogging because the Lord was showing me things that I simply could not keep in my head.  Read my first few months of blogging…  I found delight in the Lord and His Word, and other books on Him on a daily basis.  I was moved by what I was reading. 

I am not sure exactly when or why I got off track.  I have some ideas, but hesitate to tell people – because the reaction is inevitably guilt on their part, or pity, or withdrawl.  I miss my blog being my place to be real – and perhaps I put that choice on others more than I ought.

I have been burnt out.  2008 was a year unlike any other.  I started it off helping a friend with triplets find help…  I can’t believe that was a year ago!  I went to too many funerals.  8?  I’ve lost count.  I have mourned with many.  And listened.  And loved every minute of it, even when it was taking from reserves I did not think I had any more.  I’m not being arrogant.  Just honest.  Which I have been avoiding.  Which is why I have not been writing.  It’s so much easier to blog about the book I have read than the lives that are affecting mine.

Bible study.  That is growing.  If you had told me a year ago that the few of us who got together would be stretching in to over a dozen women, I would not have believed you.  And the study is changing.  My feelings on the direction it is taking remain the same, my fortitude does not.  I am apologizing at times for God’s Word.  Ugh.  I can not believe I am doing that.  I am seeking guidance, as the next study is going to be intense.

I tried to make a list of priorities.  They all are.  I mean, of course God first, and family.  But, not only do I not live that way, but my heart is so divided over all the other things I love.  I can not think of anything I want to give up, and while I may have time for the rest, I am not sure I have the energy for it.  Can I lead a Bible study and coach gymnastics every week, while also taking care of my family, and selling Stampin’ Up?  Can I enjoy my time in the Word, and football, and Halo, and time with friends, while still making sure Brad knows he is valued?  Can I recharge with a book, when I have exhausted myself during the day?  Can I dare lead a Bible study, without an appropriate amount of time in the Word, in prayer?  What happened to talking to Rachel an hour a day?  Laundry?  Supper that doesn’t look like macaroni and cheese every other night?  How do I choose?  Maybe it does not sound like too much to you.  I do not think I want it too.  Ironic, isn’t it?  I do not want anyone to know it is too much – some days that is pride, most days I fear people not sharing their hearts, because they think I have too much going on.  The fact of the matter is, it is never too much when someone is hurting….

I know there are enough hours in a day.  I do not know how to always get the most out of them.

 

I went to Florida, not to get away from it, but I did hope to at least gain some perspective.  None.  I came home feeling refreshed, but as bullheadedly determined to not change things as I have been up to this point.  In fact, the only changes I want to make seem to be to add in more things.  Exercise.  Blog again.  Commiting to actually doing homework regularily with my son…

It all sounds so human.  Do you hear it?  The utter lack of God in the conversation?  The list of to-dos?  Priorities that sound somewhat devoid of any real passion behind them, while I remain passionate about all of it?  Pragmatic.  I am being pragmatic about things I love.  Never makes for a good conversation.

 

People say they have missed me.  That means a lot.  I am here – here just happens to be more intense these days than I can possibly share.  Does everyone have a wall around their thoughts as large as mine?

 

Goodbyes.

Tomorrow, I will be attending my sixth funeral this year.  One of my close friends lost their mom to cancer.  One of my other friends lost a Grandpa, whom they had lived with for years.  Another lost her Dad.  I lost my own Grandfather to cancer.  And my uncle to cancer.  And tomorrow, I am going to be with my best friend, as she says goodbye to an aunt she was just starting to get to know again.  There is also the grief of miscarriages this year.  Not my own, but I could not feel any closer… 

I am amazed at how marked by death this year has seemed personally.  And, as I think over the funerals, over the way people are finally summarized, it makes me long to be remembered well.  One funeral felt incredibly, incredibly silly.  That was a hard.  It left little room for grieving.  I think that was the intent.  Another felt impersonal.  Like those who were there really did not know the person that well.  My grandfather’s funeral was as it should be.  Small.  And, I don’t think there was a dry eye when those from the legion saluted him.  Or when my Daddy did either. 

I don’t know what tomorrow brings.  I don’t know how teenage boys say goodbye to a mommy.  I don’t know how you say goodbye to a wife that left too soon.  But I do know how to grieve in a corner, when you feel like you don’t quite belong….

If this post seems abrasive, I’ll call it self-defense.  The lack of blogging in my life is, again, but a reflection of the intensity of my thoughts, and not the lack of them.  They feel a little too raw…..

Paul talks of the saints as those “Of whom the world is not worthy.”  I like that.  I wonder what that looks like in these days.  I know it looks like Raquel.  And I know it looks like Susan.  Raquel for your unquivering desire to please Him no matter the cost.  Susan for your selflessness and constant desire to think of others better than yourself.  It makes me long for some of what you both have.  I don’t want to be immortalized in silliness.  Or sterility.  I do want to strive to be remembered for my love for my Savior.  I want to be summarized that way…. 

So tomorrow brings another goodbye.  I must admit, that while I find myself becoming more adept at this, it does not get easier.  I go to grieve with others – and that often feels harder than going for yourself.  Not because my pain is greater, but because I would rather bear the hurt than you….  If I could carry your burdens, I would friends….  Praise God, He does.

 

Nothing New Under the Sun

What I love about reading really old books (right now that would be Bondage of the Will by Luther) is that you rediscover there really is nothing new under the sun.  It is amazing in seeing what Luther had to say to Erasmus, how much he could have been talking to the Emerging Church at large. 

Erasmus had this to say about his own faith “If it were permitted [me], by the inviolable authority of the sacred Writings and decrees of the church [I] would go over to the sentiments of the Sceptics”  How postmodern is that!  “If I could combine my faith with sceptisism, I would.”

Luther replied: “You wish you had the liberty of being a Sceptic!  What Christian would talk in this way?…  The Holy Spirit is not a Sceptic, nor are what He has written on our hearts doubts or opinions, but assertions more certain, and more firm, than life itself and all human experience.”

I find comfort in knowing that what we face – in this age of wishy-washy no-on-can-know-for-sure-ness is nothing that has not been faced before.  Luther saw it in his day too – people who would rather not have answers, would rather not look too deeply in the Word.  He goes on to describe Erasmus as one who is “resolved to hold with neither side, and to escape safely through Scylla and Charybdis; in order that, when you come into the open sea, and find yourself overwhelmed and confounded by the waves, you may have it in your power, to assert all that you now deny, and deny all that you now assert.”

It has amazed me, these past few years, that the EC really wants to walk on both sides of the fence.  I take encouragement in the fact that even though they see themselves as new, and revolutionary and fresh, they really are just walking paths that have been walked before.

Luther is also reminding me of the solidarity of Scripture.  Of the confidence we can have that the Holy Spirit will impart wisdom to us.  That we can know God, as He has revealed Himself.

 

“Unkindly has He kindly shown me… God.”

Someone close to me suffered great loss this week.  In an attempt to explain themselves to others on facebook, they changed their profile to “When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say ‘It is well, it is well with my soul.”

Your faith, your hope, your unwavering trust in His goodness is a bittersweet, rich, testimony to the rest of us.  Your heart in grief has a wonderful effect on us.  Your willingness to say “If my pain can be of some good to another…” makes me more desirous than ever to be like you.  I marvel at the sure foundation He has laid in your young heart, and know that He is near to you.

I am sorry for your pain.  Not that I would second guess His mercy in it, or His purposes for it.  If it were up to me, I would suffer it for you.  You are walking a road I am blazingly unfamiliar with.  I lament, at times like this, the ease of my own life.  Not that I would seek pain, but that I would seek to be a better comfort for you.

You are deeply loved, and deeply treasured.  I would say I am proud of you, but I think to do so without caution would be to negate the wonderful workings of God in your midst.  I know that you would seek nothing but to glorify Him in your loss, and for that I truly rejoice. 

“I know
You’d like to think that there’s a foe
That hurts and God who heals. and that
Would not be wrong; but I have sat
And pondered months in pain to see
If that is true — if misery
Is Satan’s work, and happiness
Is God’s. Jemimah, we must bless
The Lord for all that’s good and bad….
Behold the light of candle four:
What we have lost God will restore
When he is finished with his art,
The silent worship of our heart.
When God creates a humble hush,
And makes Leviathan his brush,
It won’t be long until the rod
Becomes the tender kiss of God.”

 

On the Edge.

I feel myself, again, to be on the brink of something great – and yet overly cautious to look out over the edge.  I have long felt the need to hide from myself – and if I do not know me, the odds of you figuring me out are even greater.

But God knows.  And He is in pursuit.  I am not sure what exactly that looks like.  I do not think it is for me to know either – sufficient for each day is its own trouble.  But there is something there, when simple conversations on the phone make me want to run and cry because I recongize the futility of everyday living.  I want to leave it all behind me.  And, I wish this desire were greater, and I wish I could sustain it.  “The things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.”  It feels, however temporarily, that nothing else matters, save pleasing Him.  And, I think He is wanting me to be willing to do hard things.

I have been here before.  Numerous times in the last one and a half years now.  And most times I end up clinging to the safe known.  Not because I want what I cling to, but because I do not know what the narrow path of loneliness is going to require.  Today is not the first time I have heard “God has great things in store for you.”  I never know if people mean that in some especial way, as though He does not have great things in store for everyone else, or if it is just that thing to say.  I am not implying people are disingenuious.  I am just terrified of what those great things might be.  The truth of the matter is, I don’t want great things.  I want boring, and safe.  I want creature comforts that lull me.  I want just enough of God in my life to feel like I am being useful and loved, without really standing out from everyone else. 

My sister would tell me I am overanalyzing.  She might also tell me to play Halo till these strange feelings pass.  My husband would ask me why I look like I am about to cry.  I could not explain it better than I have.  I feel conflicted.  Usually it is out of a strong sense of doing what I ought not do.  Today it is out of a strong sense of being pulled towards that which should be pursued.  It is a deep, deep place He wants to take me to.  I wish I knew what to pack.

 

Sacrilege

“I was reading G. Campbell Morgan’s definition of sacrilege. He said that it is normally defined as taking something that belongs to God and using it profanely. We all know the instance in the Book of Daniel when Belshazzar took the vessels in the temple and used them for his night of carousing and blasphemy. That was a sacrilegious use. But sacrilege, said Morgan, does not only consist of such profane use. In its worst form it consists of taking something and giving it to God when it means absolutely nothing to you. That was the charge God brought against His people when He said, ‘You bring the lame and the blind and the sick as an offering, is that not wrong?” Cries of the Heart – Ravi Zacharias

This book really spoke to me – this particular quote especially. I think that, so often, it is easy to look at the Isrealites, and the mistakes they make, and wonder “How? He was so specific in what you offer. How could you give Him a lame sheep? A blind dove?” And yet….

The first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord our God with our whole hearts, our whole minds, our whole strength. We are no longer offering animals – as Christ paid at the cross an all-sufficient sacrifice. But, we are offering our time, our talents, our resources. And I am too quick to withhold my best hours of the day for other things, and read my Bible when it is convenient. I run to the phone to have someone to talk to when I clean the kitchen – I could be running to God in prayer. I read my Bible after all my other books are done, not before. I don’t give my firsts.

One of the best things I am learning in my current Bible study is that we need to call things what they are. And calling giving-God-my-leftovers “busyness” or other things like that is sin. It ought to be called “sacrilege”.

 

What are we doing wrong with The Book?

“Statistics show that most people professing faith in Christ have never completely read their Bible. Many people start reading but then become overwhelmed by the number of chapters (1,189) and verses (31,102) there are. What we don’t realize is that it can be accomplished by reading fewer than four chapters a day!

By dividing the Bible into 365 daily readings, your goal of reading the Bible in a year can easily be accomplished. Here in Bible Study Tools, not only can you come and read on a daily basis, but we can help you chart your progress online over the following 365 days. That means you don’t have to wait till the New Year?you can start today!”

I have been feeling extremely contemplative about the Bible the last week or so – if that makes sense. I had a small, but convicting discussion with a friend – where we chatted about how excited people get about any book they have enjoyed, EXCEPT the Bible. Why does no one rave about their reading in Isaiah?

I have been thinking about why I know that if it were “the only book I could bring on a deserted island” (we’ve all played that game, right?) it would be the Bible. And yet, why am I not delighting in it everyday?

I have to be honest – I have gobbled up four books in the last two weeks – all good books, all “spiritual” books, but I still have not finished 1 Corinthians that I started late last week. Why is that? I love it once I am in to it, why do I put it off? I think there are a few reasons; I suppose these are personal reasons – maybe you can think of more.

1. It’s going to convict.
One of the things I struggle with, in my own personality, is the willingness to deceive myself, to not have to deal with things. I layer my problems, and my feelings, and my thoughts, sometimes intentionally, in order to be less accountable to myself. Which is, of course, being deceived by Satan – because God knows even our motives, and I will be held accountable for even this on the last day. But the point is – the Bible is the only book that demands change. I can be convicted by other books on pride, or marriage, or being a friend – but can ultimately dismiss anything I don’t like as the author’s opinion. Once I open up the Bible, I sense change coming… and I resist. I could get in to why the pleasures of God would be greater than all the things I substitute in its place – but I’ll save that for another blog. Or refer you to one of my first – it’s all about mud puddles. Suffice it to say – the Lord wants to change us, to conform us to the image of His Son – and we know what that looks like when we open up the Bible – not other books.

2. Our approach.
What other book do we approach with a bare-minimum mentality? Seriously – the quote on the top of this page essentially says – “here’s how you can read the LEAST amount possible, and still get through the Bible in a year.” What kind of benchmark is that? What other book have you read, where the goal is to take a year to get through it? And yet – we have it in our heads that the Bible is meant to be enjoyed at 15 minute intervals once a day, every day. We want to space out our readings. And, I think the problem with this is it just joins our checklist of to-dos. Washed dishes? Check. Did a load of laundry? Check. Made the beds? Check. Read my daily reading of the Bible? Check. We don’t go to it because we delight in it, we go to it because we should go to it. And we all know that the results of doing things because we ought to are very different than doing things because we want to.

I am uncertain at this point as to how best address this in my own life. I think it starts with a bit of a mental shift – I have to repent of the desire to not want to be changed, and I have to approach the Bible as the Book, not the greatest devotional ever written….