In a rare form tonight, I think I may actually make myself vulnerable.

My thoughts this week, given some incredibly intense things going on in my family, have been all over the place.  And as I watch the dust settle, and I see things turning towards a new normal, I wonder at what I am to do with all of the feelings that I have been experiencing.  Because frankly, I haven’t touched them a whole lot in this.

What I reflect on today though, is who I was in Windsor.  I remember a lot of enthusiasm over Brad and I moving there.  And I remember feeling lonely.  It took me years to figure it out, and sometimes life can be just as painful in hindsight as it is during.  Because that is when shame kicks in.

I was not a good friend in Windsor.  Brad knew so many people there.  And with Brad being six years older than me, his friends were older too.  And so were their wives.  I was barely out of high school, had never been away from home more than a couple nights at a time on my own, and was new to marriage.  New to a lot of responsibilities.  Not at all new to insecurity.  I think I made the decision to prove myself.  To speak out of my book knowledge in compensation of my lack of life knowledge.  To be blunt, and upfront (which I still am), but never really toning it down with grace… I still lack grace…

On my wedding day, my Dad informed 120 people that my kindergarten teacher commented on my “ability to organize the other children.”  Some things do not change it appears.  I struggled in Windsor, with not knowing when to be quiet and listen.  I had a strong opinion on everything, and was willing to share it.  Even if it meant telling a mom that she was making her kid fat by comfort feeding her when her child clearly wasn’t hungry, just tired.  Yup, spoken like a true I-don’t-have-kids-but-I-read-this-somewhere kinda girl.  My friend and I have since moved on from this moment, but her ability to confess to me my lack of tact was the best start to this.

I think if I treated my friends in Sarnia the way I treated my friends in Windsor I would be just as lonely here as I was there.  I don’t think girls would be excited to get to know me (maybe they still aren’t? : )  I know I still share my opinion quite readily.  I know my insecurities can still come across as snobby, know-it-all-nish and arrogant.  I know it still sounds like I speak from a lack of experience at times too.  But I have changed.

I do not wish those years in Windsor away.  Nor am I denying that the girls seemed to make a genuine effort there as well.  I think some of them could have been great friends, if I had let down my guard, been myself and been more gentle and quiet in my approach.  I wish I had tried harder to be a friend, and not an opinion.

So now I find myself at a crossroad.  Is the best indicator of future behavior the past?  Can I assume that “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me” is always true?  And, how much am I required to be vulnerable, and willing to be hurt?  I think if my current relationships are to have any hope at longevity, then I have to be willing to accept that even if someone has a pattern, or a predilection towards a certain trait, that there is always, always room that this time they really have changed.  That this time, they have left their Windsor behind.  That this time is a fresh start, and they are ready to begin again.