I started blogging because the Lord was showing me things that I simply could not keep in my head. Read my first few months of blogging… I found delight in the Lord and His Word, and other books on Him on a daily basis. I was moved by what I was reading.
I am not sure exactly when or why I got off track. I have some ideas, but hesitate to tell people – because the reaction is inevitably guilt on their part, or pity, or withdrawl. I miss my blog being my place to be real – and perhaps I put that choice on others more than I ought.
I have been burnt out. 2008 was a year unlike any other. I started it off helping a friend with triplets find help… I can’t believe that was a year ago! I went to too many funerals. 8? I’ve lost count. I have mourned with many. And listened. And loved every minute of it, even when it was taking from reserves I did not think I had any more. I’m not being arrogant. Just honest. Which I have been avoiding. Which is why I have not been writing. It’s so much easier to blog about the book I have read than the lives that are affecting mine.
Bible study. That is growing. If you had told me a year ago that the few of us who got together would be stretching in to over a dozen women, I would not have believed you. And the study is changing. My feelings on the direction it is taking remain the same, my fortitude does not. I am apologizing at times for God’s Word. Ugh. I can not believe I am doing that. I am seeking guidance, as the next study is going to be intense.
I tried to make a list of priorities. They all are. I mean, of course God first, and family. But, not only do I not live that way, but my heart is so divided over all the other things I love. I can not think of anything I want to give up, and while I may have time for the rest, I am not sure I have the energy for it. Can I lead a Bible study and coach gymnastics every week, while also taking care of my family, and selling Stampin’ Up? Can I enjoy my time in the Word, and football, and Halo, and time with friends, while still making sure Brad knows he is valued? Can I recharge with a book, when I have exhausted myself during the day? Can I dare lead a Bible study, without an appropriate amount of time in the Word, in prayer? What happened to talking to Rachel an hour a day? Laundry? Supper that doesn’t look like macaroni and cheese every other night? How do I choose? Maybe it does not sound like too much to you. I do not think I want it too. Ironic, isn’t it? I do not want anyone to know it is too much – some days that is pride, most days I fear people not sharing their hearts, because they think I have too much going on. The fact of the matter is, it is never too much when someone is hurting….
I know there are enough hours in a day. I do not know how to always get the most out of them.
I went to Florida, not to get away from it, but I did hope to at least gain some perspective. None. I came home feeling refreshed, but as bullheadedly determined to not change things as I have been up to this point. In fact, the only changes I want to make seem to be to add in more things. Exercise. Blog again. Commiting to actually doing homework regularily with my son…
It all sounds so human. Do you hear it? The utter lack of God in the conversation? The list of to-dos? Priorities that sound somewhat devoid of any real passion behind them, while I remain passionate about all of it? Pragmatic. I am being pragmatic about things I love. Never makes for a good conversation.
People say they have missed me. That means a lot. I am here – here just happens to be more intense these days than I can possibly share. Does everyone have a wall around their thoughts as large as mine?
January 22, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Does everyone have a wall around their thoughts as large as mine?
Yes.
Sometimes blogging thoughts is an act of sheer will. But if you stop to count the cost, you’ll stumble and fail. Christ warned what happened to those who pacified those around them with pretty words, words they wanted to hear, words designed and measured for an audience.
Speak/write truth, Nic. It doesn’t mean that everyone is going to agree with your presentation—and you know I might disagree just for friendly fire—but that also doesn’t mean that you give up or give in.
You have an inner strength, Nic, that can been seen thousands of miles away. Trust me. I know.
January 23, 2009 at 7:35 am
Thanks Bishop.
I was thinking of you when I wondered that little bit – you always put your guts out there, which I admire. I guess I have gotten out of the groove of speaking my mind on here, and I really wish I had not… I quote Tozer on this sort of thing alot “I can’t please everyone, so I aim to please no one.”
I do not mind being disagreed with. I do not like people feeling sorry for me, or hiding their true feelings from me because of my own vulnerability. I have told friends how fried I am, and find out weeks later how much they needed to talk about something, but did not want to burden me anymore. Which does not compute well for me….
January 23, 2009 at 9:07 am
I was thinking of you when I wondered that little bit – you always put your guts out there, which I admire.
It’s not always as easy as it looks. Sometimes a single blog entry can take all day to write in pieces, a little here and a little over there. And it only takes touching one life with your story, your thoughts, your feelings (as difficult, sometimes, as those can be to relay in this medium) and it can make everything else seem like nothing and just totally worth it all.
And, for the record, if I’m the only “one life” that you’ve touched, then I assure you it’s been worth it. But I know better just having witnessed your reach toward others in the past.
I guess I have gotten out of the groove of speaking my mind on here, and I really wish I had not…
Turn those wishes into action. In my parlance, “If Will stops and cries Why, invoking Because, then Will stops & does nought.” And that is just as true on your side of the playground as it is on mine.
I quote Tozer on this sort of thing alot “I can’t please everyone, so I aim to please no one.”
And to come full circle to your side of the playground, keep these words in mind if only because they came to mind this morning as I thought, again, about what you wrote in this entry: I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Phil 4.12-13 ESV)
January 23, 2009 at 10:59 am
How can you visit my playground more often than the average Christian, and not get totally drawn in???? I keep waiting for God to drag you, kicking and screaming, into His kingdom…
January 23, 2009 at 11:23 am
Did BISHOP just quote the Bible???!?!??
Is that *bishop* bishop?
January 23, 2009 at 11:25 am
LOL! You seem surprised, Raquel.
No, no: it didn’t even explode in my hand or melt my face off when I opened it up.
(Though, as an aside, I’m doing the whole ‘read through the bible in a year’ deal for 2009. So pick up that jaw off the floor and let’s keep moving forward. LOL!)
January 23, 2009 at 11:33 am
How can you visit my playground more often than the average Christian, and not get totally drawn in????
My friend, I do more than merely visit your side of the playground. I play in it quite often. However, I find that the swings get a little boring after a while and I want to go play on the monkey bars. Different side of the playground even if it is all the same playground in the end. I’m just not particularly territorial with my side over any other side.
I keep waiting for God to drag you, kicking and screaming, into His kingdom.
Sounds like a heap of fun!